The sunshine was perfect. It warmed my skin as the breeze tugged at my hair and whispered against my cheek. I sat with my legs crossed in the grass looking out at the vineyards and a exact replica of the Microsoft Windows screensaver sky. Next to me was a mostly full glass of the deepest red wine and Ronne, who was forcing a full day of rest upon me.
Behind us a good ol' boy with a whiskey edge to his voice strummed his guitar and soundtracked the moment. We crisscrossed over subjects and thoughts, her pausing to capture blades of grass, light reflecting off of wine glasses, and our boots with her iPhone camera. Story in images.
I stretched out my legs and turned my head to the side. Peace. It was so deep and lovely. Grabbing her phone she snapped a picture.
"You're so much quieter in my house."
I looked up.
"I don't mean you don't speak as much."
And I knew what she meant. Tears began to crest my lower lids.
"When you were here in December, you were screaming. I could feel your spirit screaming. You were so loud."
And the tears flowed. "I know."
"There were moments this year when I would sit in the big chair you curl up in here with Pearl when we were texting with each other and just bawl," she said. "There was one point when I thought you were almost gone. When I thought we were losing you."
I couldn't stop any of the tears. "I did too."
But I am here. And I tell her that. I am here. I tell her how I had to make the choice for myself. How I had to fight and ask for help.
I told her that I had to choose me and the Light.
And I am here. And the tears are flowing not because I am sad, but the tears are there because inside there is finally an answer. In those dark moments, I knew I was screaming. Every fiber of my being was calling out, "CAN'T YOU HEAR ME? This isn't right. I am not right. It is all so damn broken. I am alone and it is all wrong and WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?" And finally now, in the quiet, the answer comes.
"I hear you. I have always heard you. I am always there. In the darkness there was always light and I have sent so many pinpoints of light. LOOK AT ALL OF THEM. Look around you at all of these glorious shining lamps I have surrounded you with, they led you gently out. They heard your screaming. You are heard. I hear you."
I am undone. By the Light. By being heard.
And you, my love. You feel unheard. You are screaming and you feel unheard but you are not. You are just so loud that you can not hear the words responding, "I hear you." So read them right now instead.
I HEAR YOU.